Today I was afraid. I came to today thinking, “I need to blog today because I said I would, I said I would blog Mondays because those are my Sabbath days”. I spent much of my morning finishing up homework that was late and then my afternoon was spent watching Doctor Who, because for some reason I couldn’t resist watching and I felt the need to stay. I had to blog sometime today, but I didn’t know what about because to be honest I did not spend any extra time with the Lord, but I had to blog because I said I would. For me, my word is important, if I say I was going to do something I will do it.
But I could think of nothing to write, I needed to spend time with God. Then I had an opportunity, an excuse really, to spend time with God. A friend of mine needed a ride to work, so I thought I would have the ride back to talk to God. Which I did. It was the normal, anxious “God, where are you? You said you would provide a way. Where is it?” A lot of me worrying and ignoring God’s words of life and support. But, I’ve already written about how worried I am and how big of a leap of faith this is for me and I don’t want to keep harping about how flaky my faith is and how I still have no plan. I need to write because I said I would, and I need to follow through with what I said I would do.
Then, because I watched too much Doctor Who, it was time for our Monday night service here at school. I thought, for sure God is going to say something that will embolden me, that will give me confidence in this blind walk I am making. This great step. Mike did the service a little differently tonight. He brought five different students to talk about what God has been revealing to them in their past few months. Of course, all of them had some great insight, but three stood out. The second individual that spoke, shared about her fears and problems with trusting God. It was amazing to hear because I Identified with those same fears and trust issues. It is the mindset that, “Yes, God is good, but am I certain He is going to do these things He has promised”. After she shared, Mike asked if anyone had similar trusting problems, my hand shot into the air while others timidly raised theirs.
A friend texted me, giving me a hard time about how fast my hand rose. I said I identified and she responded by saying how proud she was to see me going into this leap of faith with no plan and just trusting God. I thought this would be good to share in my blog: how reassuring to know that I wasn’t the only one afraid to come out onto the water, or more accurately, that I was afraid God wouldn’t take care of me. Just typing it out, I realize how foolish my mindset can be, but it is what it is and that is most likely why God is doing this with me.
The next individual who spoke, shared about personal transformation and growth and to be honest it wasn’t until the end that I really got what he was saying. He brought into perspective the passage in Matthew 6 where Jesus tells those listening not to worry about their needs because if God can take care of the flowers of the field and the birds of the air then he can take care of our personal needs. The student mentioned how the seed doesn’t get to work any harder to become the flower, it just is and the surroundings are what do the work to make it into a flower. It reminded me of the process that God is doing in me. This I could really write about.
The last student interviewed is a senior in college and examining his plans for the future. He shared a vision God gave him where he saw a goal on the mountain that he wanted to get to. Being a high achiever, he said that he just needed to forage through the mountain, taking the direct route. After hearing a sermon he realized it had been a long time since he had heard God’s voice so he sat and spoke with God. God basically said He was always there with him and he should stop trying to go his own way, but trust God and take His path. I could write about this.
Then, as I was walking out of the church, Mike stopped me. He spoke to me in his very fatherly way and asked if I had a plan. I shook my head. “I didn’t think so. I want you to know you can come back in January. In fact, since you graduate in May come back and finish out like everyone else. I just want you to know you still have a place here. Sometimes its better to eat crow. I want you to know that you are a part of this family and you should feel safe to fall back on us.” I knew what he meant. He spoke what was a fear of mine, that this wasn’t going to happen and I would fall. He just wanted to make sure that if this did happen that I wouldn’t be alone and homeless. That I wouldn’t let my pride of “I’m going to make this work, even if it isn’t” get in the way of reason. This sent my world cascading upside down.
This was my biggest fear, my biggest conflict of trust. What if God didn’t really tell me all of this and I’ve been claiming my plan as God’s plan and in two months it’s going to be evident to all how much I failed, lied, and was deluded.
As I mentioned, I am a man of my word. At least I believe so, almost to a fault. If I tell someone I will do something, even if it is immensely difficult for me to do, I will do it, solely because I said I would and I don’t want to let them down. Mike addressed this foible. He is fearful that because I told people God said I need to move to New York, that I would do it, with or without His blessing, just for the sake of not letting anyone down. This is no reason to move, this is not faith.
If God has not told me to go yet or I misunderstood him in some way, I need to eat crow and make for those arrangements. I need to take a step back and be safe and smart, otherwise my pride will end up throwing me to the wolves. I cannot move in the fear of letting others down. This move is about God and me, about my faith, about God’s goodness, not about impressing anyone or proving something. This must be rooted only in God and nothing else, just a pure, unequivocal child-like trust in God.
I’m moving to New York in 18 days. I don’t have the money to do it. I don’t have an apartment yet. I have an application in at Starbucks and at a Theatre Production company. If, in 17 days God has not provided miraculously for the move to happen now, I will eat some of that humble pie, apologize for my misunderstanding and work faithfully here at Ignite until the day God calls me out. Please pray.