I am a feeler, I am learning what this means more everyday. This is probably my ego-centrism, but I think I feel deeply, perhaps more deeply than others. I take information in and I feel the depth of it. I take on the feelings of those around me. Worst of all, I take things too personally.
Oftentimes when someone acts or does something around me, I have to figure out what they are thinking of me in that moment and how that feeling framed what they said or did. I know others do this, but I don’t know if they do it to the extent that I do. I am constantly analyzing the people around me, the social dynamics, whether people are genuine in their friendship or just friendly because I am there.
There are blissful moments where I don’t over analyze, these moments are when I get caught up in what is going on and forget to think about it. Honestly, these moments are happening more often. There are a few individuals where I completely expose my insecurities, fears, and anxieties.
You see, I’m a feeler. According to Myers and Briggs I am an ENFJ, which means that I am a people person, or something like that. I like arranging social situations and be loved by those around me. To top it off, my highest love language is quality time. Withholding love is my kryptonite, but because of my anxiety of being rejected I distance myself from others so they do not have a chance to withhold from me, so…
…I am withholding love from myself.
Why is this frankness relevant?
I am lonely. It is refreshing to finally admit it. I am lonely. I have friends but I long to go deeper in these friendships, most aren’t ready or willing for that, but it’s getting better. I think I am more willing to open up to friends, without feeling the need to perfect what I say and do around them. I am beginning to feel like myself.
I am lonely in another way…romance.
I am not a serial dater, in fact in the last six years there have only been two, both times it ended the feelings on their end just evaporated. I still don’t know how that happens, but anyway the issue I face is I want someone. I want that special girl in my life, my best friend, someone to kiss, to date, to cuddle, to marry, to watch netflix with, to travel with, to fight with, to cook with, etc. I want that in my life. Someone to start a family with.
I am lonely, but I am not alone. I am surrounded by people that love and appreciate me. Right now is not the time for a relationship and that’s okay. I think now is the time when God will remind me again of how to be close with Him and how to be a friend to those around me. To be confident in who He has made me to be and pursue His call on my life, to sacrifice myself daily for Him.
Thanks for allowing me to debrief and be honest.