A Feeler

I am a feeler, I am learning what this means more everyday. This is probably my ego-centrism, but I think I feel deeply, perhaps more deeply than others. I take information in and I feel the depth of it. I take on the feelings of those around me. Worst of all, I take things too personally.

Oftentimes when someone acts or does something around me, I have to figure out what they are thinking of me in that moment and how that feeling framed what they said or did. I know others do this, but I don’t know if they do it to the extent that I do. I am constantly analyzing the people around me, the social dynamics, whether people are genuine in their friendship or just friendly because I am there. 

There are blissful moments where I don’t over analyze, these moments are when I get caught up in what is going on and forget to think about it. Honestly, these moments are happening more often. There are a few individuals where I completely expose my insecurities, fears, and anxieties.

You see, I’m a feeler. According to Myers and Briggs I am an ENFJ, which means that I am a people person, or something like that. I like arranging social situations and be loved by those around me. To top it off, my highest love language is quality time. Withholding love is my kryptonite, but because of my anxiety of being rejected I distance myself from others so they do not have a chance to withhold from me, so…

…I am withholding love from myself.

 

Why is this frankness relevant? 

I am lonely. It is refreshing to finally admit it. I am lonely. I have friends but I long to go deeper in these friendships, most aren’t ready or willing for that, but it’s getting better. I think I am more willing to open up to friends, without feeling the need to perfect what I say and do around them. I am beginning to feel like myself. 

I am lonely in another way…romance.

I am not a serial dater, in fact in the last six years there have only been two, both times it ended the feelings on their end just evaporated. I still don’t know how that happens, but anyway the issue I face is I want someone. I want that special girl in my life, my best friend, someone to kiss, to date, to cuddle, to marry, to watch netflix with, to travel with, to fight with, to cook with, etc. I want that in my life. Someone to start a family with. 

I am lonely, but I am not alone. I am surrounded by people that love and appreciate me. Right now is not the time for a relationship and that’s okay. I think now is the time when God will remind me again of how to be close with Him and how to be a friend to those around me. To be confident in who He has made me to be and pursue His call on my life, to sacrifice myself daily for Him.

 

Thanks for allowing me to debrief and be honest. 

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I Have no Idea

I have learned a lot at college. The thing I keep learning is that there is a lot of stuff I don’t know, and a lot I don’t quite get, but that’s okay.

It’s not that I don’t know a lot, more there is a lot more that I don’t know while I’m still learning. 

Yes, a lot of this interestingly enough relates to leadership and ministry, but I didn’t learn most of this in the classroom. Perhaps I can break it down in a few lesson pieces.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. 

This may seem simple and obvious, I mean, unless you work heavily in the prophetic or you have some clairvoyant abilities, most people think they know what will happen next. I mean you can have a general idea, in regards to work schedule and such, but you really never know what could happen. Even the Bible talks about boasting about tomorrow, you never know.

Bigger than a weekly schedule, though, I don’t know what is next in life for me. I mean I have a general idea, but even that is not definite. As a few of you know by now, I had planned on being in New York City by now, in fact, when I first moved here, I thought I was going to be in New York a year ago. I am still in Virginia and it seems like I will be for at least another four years. I thought that would make sense only if I had reason to stay. I thought that reason would be very specific and obvious, a serious relationship, but through a conversation tonight I realized that again I was being to center focused.

I don’t understand how to love.

Now, although this does relate to romantic love, it is more about general love of people, the agape love I ought to have for others. You have to let people go to truly love them. If you hold on too tight to an ideal, it’s not real, it’s stifling and it only limits you in the end. Being realistic is not pessimistic, but it allows you to speak truth when it needs to be spoken and it allows you the freedom from feeling guilt.

I realized that I have been idolizing this idea of friendship, of companionship, that I miss it when it’s there and I push people too much when it isn’t. Not wanting to be alone and being afraid of it, are two very different things. It’s time.

I don’t know how to lead.

This is attached to the idea of love. When you love someone and you see greatness in them, you can’t just expect them to figure it out. Helping someone realize their potential is not easy and more often than not, it requires confrontation so the difficulties can rise to the top. God does this with us, He allows difficult circumstances in our lives so we can grow, so we can allow the negative aspects of our lives rise and be removed.

I know I can be demanding, but I shouldn’t shy away from speaking truth because it will offend someone. Jesus did it all the time. I cannot allow others to suffer for the sake of one anymore. You can see the good in people and do all you can to help them, but if they do not seek for it themselves, it will amount to nothing.

 

I don’t know how to do this.

 

But you know what? It’s okay, because I have a God who does. This is part of my process, too. I get to learn. I don’t have to have everything figured out. And I know it will be hard, but when is life easy? I can’t keep hoping and waiting for some perfect scenario for life, because there is none in this one. All we can do? Seek first God’s kingdom. Everything else is gravy.

Because you Care

Why does this stress me out so much, if I love it?

“It’s because you love it, that you are worried about it. It’s because you care so much that you are anxious of how it will be received.”

Just this past weekend we (my school) had its second annual dinner theatre. To say I was a basket case, would be putting it lightly. I was producing it which means I was in charge to make sure everything came out well. I had a great team of people, someone decorating tables, another organizing an auction and our director/playwright who did a fantastic job, but I was still worried.

Everything had to be perfect.

Ever since I was very young I have had, what I call, people anxiety. People anxiety is this crippling fear that people are all critical and judge you harshly. Your worth is determined by others opinions. It’s a terrible curse, but harnessed correctly it can be an asset, but unharnessed it breaks you apart.

Because of my people anxiety, I want everyone to be happy with me, to like me, to be pleased with what I can do. And when I’m in charge of a group project this is what I do. If not restrained I micromanage, I become this controlling person who needs everything to be perfect.

The night was a success, but earlier that day I sat and wondered, “is this what I really want to do with my life” and when I asked aloud why it stresses me out so much, a good friend responded, “it’s because you care”.

Theatre, I’ve come to discover is my love and I want to share this love with others, telling stories, but I also want those who don’t know about it to fall in love with it as I have, so I want it to be the best. Having anxiety about it, only limits my enjoyment of what I love, it doesn’t ensure anyone loves it.

I think I have been learning and am learning how anxiety cannot rule my life and I need to keep being passionate and caring, but not worry so much about what everyone thinks, but rather do what I love to the best of my ability and share that with others, regardless of how much they end up loving it.