Dreams aren’t Easy

I have realized something significant of late. I think it started with me trying to motivate myself, to give myself a pep talk because lately I’ve been feeling down.

Don’t forget, this was your dream; you’re living the dream.

You see for a long time (relative to my young existence) I have wanted nothing more than to live in New York City, to struggle with the people of the city, to make it, to act on stage, to pursue theatre and most importantly the call God has on my life. I was living in small subural (new word, TM) town in Southwest Virginia and was pining to hit the streets. I felt dry, like my personal progress had reached its zenith. I was ready for the next best thing.

In a conversation with one of the most influential mentors in my life I said,

I would rather be struggling with something I am passionate about then to plateau or feel content in a place that is safe.

and existentially I believe it’s true, one should ideally pursue something they are passionate about, but talking about it, conceptualizing it and living it out are completely different. When with wind temps it feels like 8 degrees outside and you are walking walking home at 2 in the morning after an hour and a half train ride from work it’s hard to congratulate yourself for struggling. It’s hard to remember what it is you’re passionate about. Also, those hard wood floors and open face brick you were so excited about do no provide much warmth when it’s freezing outside. I digress.

So you see, I wanted to motivate myself, to give me a little pick me up, remind me that it’s worth it so I can be or at least appear more victorious than I feel. I mean the fact that my job pays for me to live with some wiggle room is such a blessing, but right now my life consists of Starbucks, sleep, walking around the city, and Netflix. What am I doing here? How am I doing what I am supposed to do? How can I communicate how successful I am in pursuing my dream?

Breathe.

You’re living the dream.

Yeah, well you know what? Dreams aren’t easy.

Advertisements

Just a Layover

I’ve been meaning to type this out for three days, but I suppose better late than never.

This whole past few weeks has been a whirlwind, and though I want to call it winter break, I shouldn’t, because I am no longer in school and therefore no longer have a winter break. I digress.

In my flight from Portland (where I spent Christmas with my parents, okay well it’s not exactly where I spent the Holiday, anyway) to New York I had a layover in LA. While this did not logistically makes sense why I had to fly south to fly North East, I was struck with an idea all the same that had a deep significance.

I had a layover at LAX.

LAX, the airport I had been flying from and returning to for 15 years of my life (this is still a majority, yea I know I am still young…) was just a layover. While my sister and many of my dear friends live there and I love being with them, my life living in California is over. It has been for a few years now, but having a layover really set the idea in stone. What else was significant was I wasn’t flying to New York or DC only to take a midnight bus ride to South Western Virginia anymore. I was flying to New York for good.

Now last year I was able to go be with my parents for Christmas as well, but it was a very different feeling. I was anxious, confused and lost. The plans I had fell through. What direction I felt from God was missing. Anguished, I hashed and rehashed the events leading up to the “not move” and nothing made sense, I felt as if I had been caught by the undercurrent and suddenly everything was upside down.

While this Christmas had worries of it’s own (generally thinking about how I could survive in New York and my mom’s deteriorating health), it felt different. I wasn’t confused, I knew the direction I was going.

It’s strange how much can happen in a year. Stranger still what can happen in five. Five years ago I lived in Southern California. Five years ago I was getting ready for graduation. Five years ago I didn’t know where I was going. And now, five years later I an living out a dream I never knew I even had.

I can’t wait to see what dreams I will get to live out that I don’t even know about yet.