Money has been tight for a while now. Each week it seems like I won;t reach the surface, where I can be at a point where I am just a little ahead of my bills. No, I am not pinching pennies; no, I am not hungry; and yes, I have a roof over my head. It just seems like I have been coasting like this for a while, and I know it will turn around, but it just seems like I am holding on by a small thread.
I can never complain of my circumstances because I know I am doing well, I mean I even have health insurance. Something to me that was a luxury I did not have growing up, thank God we were not sick often. And I mean thank God.
My insurance is nearly rounding it’s first year and I have yet to utilize its benefits. In part I have not used my insurance because I kept finding other ways to spend the money that would go towards a copay for a check up. The other reason being that I was a little anxious about what “issues” might have developed since the last check up, and finding that out would just acknowledge the need to spend more money and the less money I could potentially save towards this acting thing I’ve been meaning to start.
Well, it turns out my insurance is so awesome that it covers check-ups, eye exams and teeth cleaning without any co-pays. So, without any other excuse, besides my apprehension, I sought out an optometrist, a doctor and a dentist. When I found a good eye place, I asked the questions and found out my specific eye exam and follow up would cost about $60 because I want contacts (doable). I have yet to see the doctor (three weeks away), Now the dentist was the cause of the most fear because out of all the medical personnel, this was the one that has lapsed the most time between visits.
In my best estimates, the last time I went to the dentist was over a decade ago.
Now I don’t share that special dislike of the dentist that people commonly have, but I know that after a while there is natural buildup and the repercussions that follow. Plus, that added bonus of a kind of knowledge that my teeth are already sensitive (thank you dad and your genes) and I feel some discomfort when I eat certain foods. Suffice to say, I knew with the case of the dentist, no news was only good news, but I could definitely expect news after seeing the dentist.
A saw the dentist two days after I began this search.
I am pretty sure God was pushing for me to have this happen.
The news was not good. Cavities. Sensitive teeth. Two root canals. In the next two years I will probably have to spend at least $2,400 on my teeth out of my pocket.
Right now, I’m excited when I have $24 extra dollars.
Everything in me wants to freak out. Instead, my heart plummets. I feel as though I’ll never reach the surface. I try to convince myself that everything will be okay, that I’ll make it through, whatever happens. I mean God has always been there before hasn’t He? He has always provided when I need it. Why couldn’t He provide for this?
He’s keep me afloat.
Just above the surface, you know, so I could breathe.
Don’t get upset.
He’s providing. He will provide.
You know you still have it better than most. Stop moping. Pick yourself up.
God helps those who-
You promised me I would walk on water!
Why can’t I walk on water? Why am I not strong enough to have the faith to see? Why can’t I persevere through this storm, head held high proclaiming how good my God is? I don’t understand.
I can motivate my friends to trust God, telling them my story of how He came through, but why won’t I believe it? Sometimes I feel as though God is my last ditch effort, but is that because I try and find a solution first? Is He waiting for me to ask Him to grab my hand? Is He waiting for me to believe He is who He says He is? That He will honor the promises He’s made me?
Why do I have to doubt Him? Why do I think this way? Why do I run around moping that God won’t help me, when I just need to stop and ask.
Today in my devotions I read Hebrews 11. Whomever wrote Hebrews had a specific point they wanted to get across in this portion of their writing. Something quite obvious.
Hebrews 11 has the phrase, “By faith…” repeated 21 times. The book goes through countless examples of people who were weak and broken but trusted that God was enough to get them through.
By faith these people were called and they responded.
But you know what? Faith is blind. Faith is going where it seems murkiest and trusting you’re not alone. It’s building the tunnel, trusting that there is light on the other side. By faith, these people laid foundations for later generations to inherit the blessing of promise. By faith these people planted seeds and buds of plants they would never see grow. They had to trust that one day there would be a harvest.
Now, in this moment of doubt and wavering I know my God is good and He always fulfills His promises. There are many promises God has given me, trusting me to respond in faith, that I will never see the results of, but I also know He is good to take care of the needs I have.
Regardless of how I feel in this moment, the anxiety, I am choosing to believe and know that God is with me, even if I am underneath the waves, in the dark. By faith, I am believing God will take care of my every need and more, I will patiently wait. By faith, I believe that God moved me to this city to extend roots of His kingdom and even if that means working in the same place until the end of my days, I will carry on, because He is good and worthy of everything I have, even if this is all it is.