Before the Breakthrough

Today has been just one small episode in this season of my life, one that foreshadows the finale; hinting at the possible tomorrow.

I went for my fourth dental visit in the past three weeks. I found a dentist, they told me I needed a lot of work, we got started on the work, and now we are almost finished. I had my fitting today, my coronation fitting. I kept thinking of clever ways to tell Facebook and Tumblr that I was getting two crowns and I kept coming back to the idea of a coronation, but because I am so royal I require two ornamental headpieces. Well that’s what the play on words would insinuate.

This has already been an expensive process that today became just a little bit more expensive, money I don’t have.

After the fitting today I was informed about two different kinds of crowns (why I wasn’t informed of this prior to today, heaven knows): one, the traditional porcelain one with metal wiring which discolors easily and not as long durable, but “free” (read included), two, a special alloy that looks cleaner, doesn’t discolor and is extremely durable but costs $150 each crown. I immediately felt down.

Insurance is covering most of the bills, but not all and the rest I have taken out a loan from the lending group that works with the dentist’s office. This new monthly bill is $115, which I don’t have but I said yes to because I believe this is something I need to do and honestly I believe God will provide for it, not specifically because of the teeth, but because he will help provide for all my needs, that’s a promise I believe because it’s what the Bible says about Him and I have seen Him do it time and again for my family and me, He just does it in His own unique way.

I though I could possible add this new $300 cost to my loan, because the credit company gave me a line of credit that greatly surpassed my cost. The receptionist at the desk assured me she would find out and let me know for sure. I walked out of the office slightly more anxious but slightly relieved because I had chosen the better option because I knew it would be a better investment in the long run, but knowing my monthly bill would be bigger. I hadn’t even walked a block away when she called my phone telling me the company required a minimum of a $500 procedure to give more money from the credit line.

Crap.

“Sir, would you still like to go with this option? Sir?”

A million things started running through my head. The chiefest of which was, “I don’t have that” I have my rent money in my pocket and $40 in my bank account.”

Do it.

“When will that money be due?”

“When you come in for your crowns, so in about two weeks when we get them in.”

Do it.

“Okay, yeah, Ill go for it.”

Aghhhh. What? Why would I agree to this? I can’t afford this.

Amidst this money stress, I have been dealing with a difficult situation at work. My manager has not been managing the store well and treats the partners (the employees) poorly. I had been trying really hard to make her happy and do a good job, but when every encounter I had with her was negative, was a listing of grievances that I always seemed responsible for, I became too exhausted and reached out to our district manager. Last week she came to the store and talked with the other shift supervisors and myself because apparently I was not the only one who had reached out to her about our manager.

She was extremely concerned about the situation and wanted to hear as much as she could about the situation. When I reached out to her I had mentioned a transfer to another store and in our conversation she mentioned it. She wanted to know if I would be willing to stay to help out with the adjustments that would be made. I then began to explain to her about how money had been really tight and so a transfer, though beneficial to my work life would not necessarily be what I in fact needed, a job with more income.

“Have you considered moving up in the company?”

“Yes, I have, but I actually really want to act, to be in theatre and I know that with the higher position there would be less flexibility”

“Yes, that is true. I would hate to see you go, but at the end of the day you need to do what is right for you and your goals. Just let me know”

I told her that even though I have the flexibility now I am nowhere near to where I need to be to start auditioning. I don’t have the money to start. Before I can even think of that, I must think of how I am to finance this venture. I decided I wanted to go for it (much to the chagrin of my compassionate roommate who didn’t want to see me continue working for a place or manager that was stealing my life away).

She told me to read over some material, fill out some paperwork on my skills and what progress I believe I need to make and in what areas, and then we would go from there.

I sent the paperwork Wednesday. There has been no more word of it, since.

I am only four days late with rent this month. I said yes to a $300 bill, in addition to the $115 one I won’t be able to afford.

I hate griping about not having money. I hate that I worry about it so much, that I’m always thinking about it.

God has always provided and He will again. I don’t know how and honestly I am a little scared and worried and I know I shouldn’t be. He will take care of me, he always has. As I was thinking about this brushing (and flossing, using Listerine, and a special prescribed fluoride toothpaste) I believe God wanted me to share.

I said no, people know I am stressed. They can hear the victory. They don’t want to hear me talk about money again.

But people need to see how much you needed to trust me and how well I came through. They need to know, like you, how to wait in faith, before the breakthrough

So, here I am, waiting, before the breakthrough.

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