Am I even trying?
I haven’t written in a while, I think largely because I can’t put what’s happening into coherent thoughts. Perhaps I can put them into little nuggets of pondering, but I think people might criticize me for them, confirming my own worried thoughts, that I’m selfish and been missing it this entire time, whatever it is
What am I doing wrong?
Sometime in either late October or early November, I met with the commercial agency that represents my acting roommate. Since then, I’ve been sent to six auditions and have landed nothing. I knew before getting into this how uncertain this world is, how you just have to give your best each time and hope you’re what you’re looking for. I mean this is part of my “ministry pitch”.
I want to go to these people and show them who Christ is, love them like the churches they’ve seen never has. I want to show them what it is to trust God and what He does for your life. This industry is full of shifting hopes and nothing is secure so perhaps looking at my life people can see where true hope comes from.
but this is hard.
I’ve been here a year with no discernable success. No great stories to tell family and friends ” back home” to show that I wasn’t crazy to come do this, that God really was in this. That I’m not some fool pushing my own dreams and rationalizing them by throwing Jesus’ name into the mix.
Then comes the guilt because I take a hard look and wonder where is the ministry? Yes, I have been able to serve in the church, but have I made any impact on the people whom I profess to love that don’t know Jesus? Have I even tried to introduce them?
I’ve spent much of the past year discontented with my work situation and financial state. I’m trying not to make money an issue and I have been blessed beyond count with people providing for me, from roommates taking care of little needs to people paying for flights home. I suppose I am just still too tied to the physical desires, where it would be nice to go a week not emptying my bank account on bills and groceries, to have saving accrue, to not be anxious when the food bill comes around, to pay for someone else’s meal, to bless others with gifts, etc.
Last night I had a poignant conversation with God and asked Him, “When will I live in fullness and not, not hampered by financial constraints” and simply put the response I got back was, “When you stop looking to money as your salvation and you choose to live in the fullness of joy despite your bank account.”
I think I get so caught up in the immediacy of things that I forget all the things that are so good. I am walking past tree after tree, through shrub and bramble and forget to see how far through the forest I have come. I was recently reminded of a quote attributed to CS Lewis (by unconfirmed)
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”
A year ago I was depressed, lonely, living on a futon in my freezing room and not knowing how to begin. Now I have a great group of friends, a wonderful bed, a consistent job, I’ve auditioned for commercials (pursuing an avenue of acting I wasn’t sure I would do). I know this year has great things in store,and whether I get all I want or hope for, it’ll be good, I just need to keep pursuing God each day, waking up to Him, follow His words and keep trusting in Him and who He is.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I am confident that God won’t let me go, that He has me here for a reason and I will keep doing what I can manage. I will do my best to let go of what I think I can control and just learn what means to live in His fullness.
And that’s the best I can do, no matter what I or anyone else says.