“Give us this day our daily bread”
Growing up I thought this meant going to the pantry everyday to get a slice of bread for a Peanut Butter & Jelly or for that one year, Bologna. I eventually understood it to mean being content with what you have, asking for no more than what I needed, and you know what I didn’t yet realize how much I don’t need.
I haven’t written in a while and to be honest I was tired of writing about being strong in struggle, of having faith when circumstances didn’t look bright. I imagined the ones who read what I wrote began to grow as weary as me, tired of listening to me whine and follow up with some nugget that would keep me going.
I also didn’t feel as I had room to complain or be upset publicly. For one, God is good. Two He has brought me to New York, something I’ve wanted for a while. Three, He recently transferred me to the store I had wanted to be at for months.
I think I became further upset at how I couldn’t seem to rally my emotions to reflect all the good that was happening. I would have joy for fleeting moments, then something would remind me that struggle was looming. I’d here a message at church about being consistent until breakthrough and then I would see another bill. I’d hear about reminding yourself of what God is doing, and that would keep me content until Tuesday when tips didn’t get distributed so I’d shuffle my bank accounts to buy bread and eggs.
I changed my situation, I shaved with the hope of getting something. After three weeks of silence from my agents I messaged them and found out they never received the initial email with my new headshots. I immediately got an audition, that would’ve paid for my classes and my bills, but I got nervous and messed it up.
Needless to say, I’ve grown frustrated and bitter. Getting up was toil, going to bed a chore. I would inundate my time with distraction, books, movies, Netflix, internet, etc. I was avoiding God. I didn’t want Hid words of comfort, I wanted to hold onto my bitterness, my frustration, as if it were some sort of earned badge.
I think most of all I didn’t want his hope, it hurt to much to think of promised good when all I saw was disappointment. I felt as though because it hadn’t been answered in my time table He had somehow backed out of His promises. This is not a new feeling for me, and this is not a new thing God has worked on me. Trusting Him when it seems the light is going out.
I used to judge the Israelites so much when I read the story, I think I didn’t appreciate how decades passed for them in a matter of sentences. They walked for 40years waiting on promise because initially they thought God would require them to attain the land He promised to them with out Him giving them victory. These people who had just walked through the Red Sea, having been led there by a pillar of cloud (and fire), were so quick to whine that God abandoned them. They were so quick to doubt His ability to complete His promise, after witnessing miracle upon miracle in their Exodus.
Greg was so quick to lose faith after seeing God move him across the country, build up his ministry, provide job and opportunity after opportunity. Greg was so quick to miss the daily miracles before his eyes, because he was too busy looking at what he lacked.
For the past few weeks when God has been checking my heart and drawing me closer to Him (painful as it can feel, unwrapping hurt and tearing down barriers built up) He keeps telling me I need to write about the manna.
My daily bread.
The people who continually give to me. The random moments when a bill is taken care of, when a meal is covered. Those times when there’s just enough to make it until tomorrow. The job that allows for bread (figuratively and literally). The friends that care and motivate me. Daily bread is the sandwich bread for grilled cheese, it’s the tip money just in time for a meal with friends, it’s a roommates leftovers, the food at work that would get thrown out otherwise.
Daily bread goes stale so you can’t hold onto it afraid for what comes tomorrow. You have to trust that God will promise, even for the random extras that come. Meanwhile waiting for and appreciating your daily bread you look to the promise, proclaiming how good your God is for promising such good things.
A random side note God checked me with, If I neglect to tell people of the good that will come, the promised Good, it would be so easy to claim that I had something to do with it. If I tell everyone of what I cannot yet see how it will happen, if I look like a fool spewing the hope that God has given me, how great that day will be for those watching my life because then they can truly recognize and appreciate how Good God is. Then they will think perhaps that He is good and He is who He says He is, and seek to know Him.
And that is what it is all about in the end, right?