Swell

Breathe. Take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.

I’ve been here before, but it’s been a long time. I thought I was done here, done with this; I wasn’t supposed to come back to this.

Breathe.

One little thing doesn’t go your way, well and that other thing which could fall apart. Or that one thing that just consistently seems to fall apart. I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be grateful. I am grateful and I do feel happy, sometimes. Emotions ebb and flow, I tell other people this all the time.

Why does it seem different when you’re the one to ebb and flow. Waves. The tide rolls out before it rolls in.

Keep your eyes above the waves! I am not supposed to succumb to fear! I have seen so much, experienced so much, I’ve experienced miracles. I’m not supposed to let the waves bother me. I’m not supposed to be a victim of the tide. I am supposed to walk on water. I’m supposed to climb every crest, stride through the swells.

Swell. It’s swell. It is swell. It is well.

It is well.

It will be well.

I’m anxious, but…

it will be well.

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As my training in Pennsylvania draws to a close I begin to search for a new place. I was hoping to find my own place and either I am naive, currently facing a rude awakening, or to be faithful and trust God to find the perfect place. Maybe it’s a mix of both. Please pray for me, that I would have wisdom and faith bigger than a mustard seed.

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Dreams aren’t Easy

I have realized something significant of late. I think it started with me trying to motivate myself, to give myself a pep talk because lately I’ve been feeling down.

Don’t forget, this was your dream; you’re living the dream.

You see for a long time (relative to my young existence) I have wanted nothing more than to live in New York City, to struggle with the people of the city, to make it, to act on stage, to pursue theatre and most importantly the call God has on my life. I was living in small subural (new word, TM) town in Southwest Virginia and was pining to hit the streets. I felt dry, like my personal progress had reached its zenith. I was ready for the next best thing.

In a conversation with one of the most influential mentors in my life I said,

I would rather be struggling with something I am passionate about then to plateau or feel content in a place that is safe.

and existentially I believe it’s true, one should ideally pursue something they are passionate about, but talking about it, conceptualizing it and living it out are completely different. When with wind temps it feels like 8 degrees outside and you are walking walking home at 2 in the morning after an hour and a half train ride from work it’s hard to congratulate yourself for struggling. It’s hard to remember what it is you’re passionate about. Also, those hard wood floors and open face brick you were so excited about do no provide much warmth when it’s freezing outside. I digress.

So you see, I wanted to motivate myself, to give me a little pick me up, remind me that it’s worth it so I can be or at least appear more victorious than I feel. I mean the fact that my job pays for me to live with some wiggle room is such a blessing, but right now my life consists of Starbucks, sleep, walking around the city, and Netflix. What am I doing here? How am I doing what I am supposed to do? How can I communicate how successful I am in pursuing my dream?

Breathe.

You’re living the dream.

Yeah, well you know what? Dreams aren’t easy.